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Sunday, July 19, 2015

Live Blog Post: Tommy Wiseau's The Room- Interview with Tommy Wiseau



OH MY GOD THE INTERVIEW WITH TOMMY WISEAU IS ANSWERING ALL OF MY BURNING QUESTIONS! Why were the actors playing football while wearing tuxedos only standing 3 feet apart??? WHY?????

So... because it was fun to play football in a big field.  Got it.

Q: What did you accomplish?
A: I finished what I started.  

"I am planning on releasing a DVD documentary about HD and 35mm comparison... andalsowriteabookaboutit."

YOU GUYS!  HE IS WRITING A BOOK!

And after this is all over, I am wondering if any of these people EVER acted again.  God I hope not.




Saturday, July 18, 2015

Live Post: Tommy Wiseau's The Room- Finale

During yet another sex scene, Hubs: Do you think there is a soundtrack for this?  I'm looking that up on Spotify right now...

Pause

Hubs: Nope. Doesn't look like it.  At least, not on Spotify.  Bastards.

Play.

Another football-throwing scene.  I'm not sure which Tommy likes more, awkward sex scenes or awkward football-throwing scenes.

"XYZ, Mark."
"What?"
"Examine Your Zipper!  You guys are too much!"

"You think you can get it all from Mark?"
"If he can't give it to me, someone will."

WOW.

God Lisa, you are such a bitch.

Grandma, why did you come over again?

Hubs: The breast cancer.  That's why.

_

Watching Johnny walk through downtown San Francisco, Hubs: Has this guy every watched a movie before?

Me: I think I've heard cats sing 'Happy Birthday' better than this...

Well THAT was a short party!

Oh, nope.  Still happening.

HE KNOWS!  JOHNNY KNOWS THAT LISA AND MARK ARE DOING IT!!!!

Ugh.  This Buzzball drink is disgusting.

The Hubs laughs.

Why did you let me drink this?!?!

Wait, now Lisa is making out with Mark at Johnny's party?  Who is this asshole who just came in the front door to discover them?  WHAT IS HAPPENING???

WHY IS JOHNNY TELLING EVERYONE AT THE PARTY THAT THEY'RE HAVING A BABY????

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK!

LISA, YOU BITCH!!!!  So she really is a complete sociopath... huh.

"What's it to you?"
"You're going to shake up our group of friends!"

Oh.  So THAT'S why I shouldn't lie to Johnny and cheat on him with his best friend?  Oh, OK.

_

Ok.  So that awkward fight didn't happen and now Lisa and Mark are dancing all sexy-like?  Sure.  Cool.

"I'llkillyouI'llbreakeveryboneinyourbody."

"Everybody betrayed me!  I'm fed up with this world."

"I cleaned up the kitchen, honey, so you don't have to worry about that."

Right.  Thanks, mom!  Because I am totally thinking about housekeeping when my fiancĂ© who I cheated on has locked himself in the bathroom all night.  But the kitchen is clean so...cool.

_

"you can come out now, Johnny, she's gone."

"In a few minutes, bitch."

"Who are you calling a bitch?"

"You and your mother."

_

The tape!  The tape magically lasted for like, 18 hours.

"I gave you 7 years of my life!"

Also, said tape recorded BOTH sides of the phone conversation...

"I'm leaving you, Johnny."

ABOUT GODDAMNED TIME!

Hubs: I feel like a sex scene is about to happen but it'll just be him.  Alone in his bed.

OMG Johnny, you're drunk.  Go home.  Or at least stop half-heartedly knocking shit over.

Lisa's gone, who do you think is gonna clean it up???

JOHNNY HAS A GUN!!!!

I don't think I've ever been so glad to see a character commit suicide.

Mark the doctor says he's dead.

OH MY GOD, JOHNNY'S DEAD!!!!!

Twist!  Mark doesn't love her and everything is ALL HER FAULT!

GODDAMNED IT DENNY! QUIT SHOWING UP UNANNOUNCED!

Then Denny chapped his hands and shouted "I do believe in fairies!  I do believe in fairies!"  And Johnny got up off of the floor and walked away completely unharmed.

THE END.

Nope.  Johnny's still dead.


FIN.

Live Blog: Tommy' Wiseau's The Room Part 7

Me: Wait.  What's happening.  Why is Johnny cheeping like a chicken?  Oh,  Mark's not a chicken.  He just doesn't like weirdos.  Got it.

This story about Johnny moving to San Francisco is soooo awkward.

And everyone leaves except for awkward Denny.  Any why is he asking about Lisa's wedding dress? What supposedly straight 18 year old boy asks about the wedding dress of the chick he's in love with?

Is that a joint Mark????  WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, MARK????  I've got this sick feeling in my stomach, man.  And only weed can cure it.

Mark!  You fucking high bastard!  Don't throw the random psychologist friend off the roof!  FUCK!

Ok.  So how did the psychologist guess it was Lisa?  What clues were there?  What did I miss?  I was tying furiously...

Hubs: Poor Mark.

Mark: She's such a manipulative bitch!  (and the reason I tried to throw you off the roof.)

Fucking psychologist:  How'd you let this happen?

Mark: Fuck!

Random psychologist: You want my advice? Sometimes, life get's complicated.  And you've got to be responsible. So you don't see Lisa again. And you definitely don't sleep with her again."

WHERE IS THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR OBVIOUS STATEMENTS!!!  GIVE THIS MAN A MEDAL!!!!

Psychologist: She's a sociopath.  She can't love anyone.

That succubus, sociopathic BITCH!

FUCK YOU, LISA!!!

_

What the what is with that tuxedo?

"Oh Hi Denny."

WHY DOES DENNY THE HOMELESS ORPHAN TEEN OWN A TUXEDO???

Holy shit!  Mark shaved!

"You look great.  You look like a babyface, y'know?"  Yes Johnny, we know.

Denny (Whining in an annoying little bitch): Come on!  Play football with meeeeee!!!!!

_

Who are these random assholes ordering coffee?  Why do we care about this?  Lemme guess: Johnny is their favorite customer?

Also, WHY were they all wearing tuxedos in the last scene.

Hubs (after pausing the movie and taking 30 seconds to think):  I have no fucking idea.  There must have been some reference we missed.  But even so, what is the point????  Just a bunch of guys throwing a football around in an alley.  While wearing tuxedos.

People are really fucking concerned about cheesecake at this coffeeshop.  Related: what coffeeshops carry cheesecake because I'm pretty sure that's not a thing...

"How was work today?"
"Oh pretty good.  We got a new client at the bank.  We make a lot of money."

So... just the one client today, huh?

And why does Mark care about this client?

"I can't tell you.  It's confidential. So how's your sex life?"

KING OF THE NONSEQUITUR, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

_

And another goddamned sex scene.  Ugh.  I thought Mr. Psychologist told Mark NOT to sleep with Lisa.  Goddamn it, Mark.

Hubs: Is this Monica singing?

Live Blog: Tommy Wiseau's The Room Part 6

I'm sorry, "Showing everybody 'me underwears.'" Mike, dude.  You can just call them 'underwear.'  Or maybe fancy fanny pants?

Hubs: I'm loving his frosted tips.

Johnny: That's life.  (in response to the 'underwears' story).

Hubs: That should be enshrined on a fucking tombstone.

Pause.

I am laughing so hard that I'm afraid I am going to pee  my pants.  After I catch my breath, I run to the bathroom and come back to the living room where the Hubs is contemplating the mystery of the football.  Mark had the football first.  Then Johnny took it.  Now Denny shows up in a different location and brings the football with him.  Why does he show up in a random room with a football???

Hubs: Maybe Tommy Wiseau has a riddle that is imbedded in the football...  This isn't catch!  This is hot potato!  What is happening?  So are we supposed to infer that Mike just tripped over his frosted tips?

"Let's go home, Denny." -Johnny

"Ok."- An awkward Denny.

_

Hubs: So Grandma is trying to shake down her daughter's finance for money???  He's watching!  Here comes the blowup.  You know he's really involved in what's being said because you can actually see his eyes...

Me: What party is this?  Where?  Why?  Who? HUH?!?!?

Yeah Johnny, you record those awful bitches.  That'll prove your innocence! On a cassette tape!  Sweet!

Hubs: Does this guy not understand how a tape works?  Why is he recording now??? Even if the party were 30 minutes from now, there's no one in the room!

Who is this Peter guy???  Oh!  He's a psychologist.  He should probably give you some sound psychological advice.

"You know what they say: 'Love is blind.'"  Wow.  So awkward.

Hubs:  You know, we've seen some awkward acting in community theater but this is... wow.

Pause.

Drink refill for the Hubs.

Play.



Live Blog: Tommy Wiseau's The Room Part 5

WHO THE HELL ARE MICHELLE AND MIKE????

AND WHY WERE THEY GETTING BUSY AT LISA'S???

What was the point of this scene????

Johnny wanted to adopt Denny? Why?  That kid is a creeper.

Hubs: Again, Johnny is a saint.  And it only took su 33 minutes to figure out who Denny was.

Me: what guy is wearing a stocking cap.  He must be dangerous!

"You want five fucking minutes, Denny?"

"Where's my fucking money, Denny????"

Johnny to the rescue!

Lisa: What kind of money? What kind of money, Denny????

Me: The green kind, bitch! What do you think???

_

Johnny: Are you OK Denny?

Denny: I'm OK.

Johnny: Are you OK Denny???

HE'S FUCKING OK!!!!!

"You know better, Denny."

"I know.  It won't happen again, I promise!"

Spoken like a true addict.

Hubs: Johnny's eyes were shut the ENTIRE SCENE.

_

Mark:  I don't understand you.

Damn right, you don't.  She's a fucking sociopath who uses ALL MEN!

_

And here it is:

In one huge puke stream of consciousness: I did hit her!It's not true!It's bullshit!I did not hit her!I did not!Oh 'hi' Mark."

Hubs: Were his eyes completely shut for that entire thing???

Me: No.  He blinks at the end.

Hubs: "She says I hit her."  "Well did you?"  "Don't even ask."  YOU BROUGHT IT UP!  You know what would be great, if the real-life Patton Oswald were here in each scene of the entire movie.  Or better yet, Louis C.K.  "YOU JUST BROUGHT IT UP!!!!"

Mark: DO you think girls like to cheat like guys do?

Oh Mark, you dumb sonofabitch.

So Mark tells you that a woman had 12 lovers and after one found out, he beat her so badly that she was in a hospital.  Then you laugh and say "What a good story, Mark."?????  HUH?!?

I need a goddamn cookie.

"Oh man, I just can't figure women out.  Sometimes they're just oo smart.  Sometimes they're flat out stupid.  Other times they're just evil."

Pause

Hubs: So... smart's bad.  Dumb's bad.  And evil's bad.

Oh Mark.  You stupid, stupid fool.  Lisa is going to devour you and spit out your slow, stupid bones.

Play

Hubs: What IS bothering you, dude?  He knows there's a secret!  Johnny is in charge now because he took the football.  The power is contained in the football.

Me: I love that it is the exact same inflection every time Johnny says "Oh hi, Denny."

Hubs: "Girl trouble, I guess." Oh Johnny, you'll find out soon.

_

Hubs: Ok seriously.  What is with his mandibles?  If looks like there is a Q-tip or something shoved down there... No!  It's like he was at the dentist and just left those gauze rolls in there!  He was like "Aw shit.  I have to keep shooting this."

_

"He HIT YOU? ARE YOU OK?"

Finally someone asks the important questions!  Too bad HE NEVER ACTUALLY HIT YOU.  Lying bitch.

"Something awful is going to happen."  Yes.  Yes it is.

Hubs:  Question- This movie is called The Room.  So is it this room?  What room?

Me: .............

_

I have never seen a man so frantic to speak to a woman!  YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, LISA!




Live Blog: Tommy Wiseau's The Room Part 4

The flower shop scene.

WHAT IS HAPPENING??????

Hubs: Seriously, what is up with the sound in this movie???  I think the Boom Mic guy just up and quit or something...

"You are my favorite customer."

Hubs: I'm not surprised he's buys flowers.  After what we saw with those rose petals earlier.  Yeah.  he's your favorite customer all right.

_

Lisa orders a pizza.

Also, Denny reappears.  Who is Denny????  A person who answers the door and says "I'm really busy right now."  does NOT offer the person at the door a drink.  SIMPLE ETIQUETTE, LISA!!!!

Hubs: What are the chances she has sex with Denny?

If you have to go after 5 seconds Denny, why the FUCK did you come over in the first place????

"I didn't get any calls today.  You're right, the computer business is too competitive."

WHAT??? This is BEFORE tons of people did computers.  Is this before or after the .com bust?  I need a tech historian.

_

"You know what you need?"

A blowjob?

"A drink."

Or a drink.

"You know I don't drink!"

So she's going to take even more advantage of him than she already is, that crazy harlot.

"If you love me, you'll drink this."

"You're right, it tastes good."  Said no person ever.

_

"You have nice legs, Lisa."

Why is he whining about having sex with her?  I thought he loved her and stuff?  Plus, he is sloppy-ass drunk.  He should be tearing off her clothes...

Cue the 90s/early 00s music.

Hubs: I wonder if they have Denny light the candles (in the bedroom) for them...

_

Hubs: I feel like I just saw this...

Me: No!  That position!  I swear we did JUST see this!  That looks like the same footage!

_

Me: Nope.  Pure misogyny.  The Grandma doesn't want to give her brother any of her house.  She's a totally bitch.  Who is DYING OF BREAST CANCER?  And just casually mentions in this convo that the tests DID come back positive???

"He's seeing dollar signs.  Everything goes wrong all at once.  Nobody wants to help me.  And I'm dying." !!!!!!

Hubs: Let's dissect this. Lisa says "Mom you're not dying."  So she's totally in the dark right now.  Then the mom says "I got the test results back. I definitely have breast cancer."  Like she's got a mole or something!  Lisa says "Look, Don't Worry about it. Everything will be fine."  

YOUR MOM TELLS YOU SHE FOR SHIZZLE HAS CANCER AND THIS BITCH IS ALL LIKE "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT."

Yep.  All women are preeeeeetty much bitches.

_

HE HIT YOU?  YOU LYING BITCH!

Also, your daughter just told you her fiancé is abusing her and you're all like "I gotta go."

_

Who the fuck are these random people?  Isn't this Johnny an/or Lisa's house?  Why are random people having sex with chocolate here?

Hubs: maybe they couldn't afford 2 separate sets.


Live Blog: Tommy Wiseau's The Room Part 3

Me: He's getting a promotion!  Swoon!

So Grandma is her mom.  Dunno about yawl but I don't particularly like parading around in my lingerie in front of my mom the morning after banging some guy I don't actually like...

Also, why on earth did Grandma even come over???  That convo lasted 2 minutes!

And she's a bitch ruining your life.  What are you, 13?

Hubs: What was he doing that made him so busy??? Damn it!  We'll never know.  There he is.  He is no longer busy.

Me: Uh oh.  I think something weird and sexual is about to go down.

Hubs: I think Tommy Wiseau has seen too many "Red Shoe Diaries."

_

Yes, stupid guy.  She is TRYING TO SEDUCE YOU!!!!

"Don't you like me?  I'm 'your girl.'"

_


WHAAAAA?  He's Johnny's best friend?!?!?!  How many more seconds until they bang?  Because that's going to happen.  Also, who asks someone to "make love" to them anymore?  What is this, 1925?

MAKE OUUUUUUT!

Cue the BoyzIIMen.

Surprise: it's TLC, not BoyzIIMen!

_

Sex on the stairs?  Are they in the basement?  Where are they????  They like, aren't even moving...

Hubs: Ah, the butt crack.  Actually, I bet this (singer) is one of the homeless people from EnVogue.

"didn't you enjoy it???"
"That's not the point."

Pause.

Hubs: So a serious note.  This is really starting to smack of misogyny, right?  No really, you have Johnny who is a nice guy and then this chick is going to like, take all of his money and leave him. So either Wiseau thinks that women are like this or that Lisa is the antagonist of the story.  She's a caricature. I mean really, both male characters are supposedly "really nice guys" and this chick is some succubus or something.

Play

"You're beautiful, but we can't do this anymore."

"Hey.  This will be our secret."

Oooooh I wouldn't bet on it, Mark.  I wouldn't bet on it.