I am Paris Geller: an honest Mother's Day

In thinking about stretching my writing muscles once again, I knew I wanted to write about a Mother's Day trend that has been happening in my life.  While sorting through ideas in my head, I somehow stumbled into thinking about The Gilmore Girls.

I can't tell you how many "Which Gilmore Girl's Character Are You?" quizzes I have taken on the internet.  I'm definitely guilty of trying to get a certain answer.  The overachiever in me wants to be Rory.  But the more I think about it honestly, I'm not Rory.  I'm not Lorelai, Lane, Sookie, Luke, Richard or even Emily.  I can admit at this point in my life that I am Paris Geller.

I feel that in my life I have been studious and even ambitious like Rory, but there is such an utter lack of patience in me that I could only be Paris.

Nope. No. Definitely not.

Which is why I don't feel as if motherhood comes easily to me. I have been a Stay at Home Mom for five months. Everyone is still living and breathing and I consider this an honest-to-God miracle. I yell a lot.  And I feel very bad about this.  My four year old is very sweet.  He is also smart and has a stubborn streak a mile wide and is so like me in many ways that I just CANNOT some times.  So I yell.  And immediately feel bad.  And I do it again.  And again. And it's like I just cannot get out of this hole even though I know that constantly yelling at my four year old is A. not helpful and B. probably damaging him psychologically.  Not all days are filled with yelling.  Most days aren't and some are even downright fun.  But I have noticed a disturbing trend in my last 2-3 Mother's Days

For a few days to a week leading up to that Sunday, it's like all possible bad situations and bad parenting habits converge at once.  I am constantly yelling.  I stub my toe or my oldest knocks over his glass of milk three meals in a row.  And so on for days and I am just in a terrible mood.  I get stuck in that tornado of thinking that I am a terrible mother.  A terrible wife.  A terrible daughter, terrible female person.  That I am constantly failing and not good enough- for anyone and especially not these two adorable kids who call me Mom.  

I know I am not a completely awful person.  I know that these feelings will go away.  Since being at home, I have gotten so much better at hitting the reset button after something bad happens and just moving on and starting over.  But all moms go through this.  All women feel these pressures: from society, from our jobs, our kids, spouses, parents, friends.  It crushes us down at times and feels like we will never be able to adequately lift that rock.  It seems impossible most days to forgive myself. 

I will say now what countless other women have said for centuries: you're enough. You're doing fine. All of the stuff that feels like a failure will fade away and be replaced by new crap to worry about.

This part is important.  

I want you to repeat with me: all of the guilt I feel at not being "enough" is BULLSHIT. 

There is no such thing as enough, as perfect, as right when you are a parent.  You are awesome for surviving the day and bringing everyone else with you. 

I know that guilt is just another weight that you carry around.  I know you have 8,000 other things to worry about each day.  But let it go.  Find the way through the day that works for you and just do your thing.  Parenting columns, TV show families, judgmental people in line behind you at the store when your toddler is throwing a tantrum be damned.  They can all go jump. It doesn't matter if you picked up Happy Meals for dinner for the third night this week.  Doesn't matter if your kids are wearing dirty socks or refuse to have their hair brushed.  We can tell other women that they are great all day long but still not extend that forgiveness or understanding to ourselves. You got this.  You're fabulous.  Even when you are Paris Geller.