It's been a while.
2018 has been a year where I am constantly running into "Remember when I used to..." thoughts.
Remember when I used to... sing and play music regularly?
Remember when I used to... work outside the home and felt some sort of validation of my education and intellect?
Remember when I used to... write and read and take joy in those activities?
Since we moved from Wisconsin back to Illinois in December, I have been a Stay at Home Mom. If you had told me, even after I had my first kid, that I would be staying at home with my children I probably would have laughed.
"Are you kidding?!" I would squeal. "There is NO way I could do that! I have such a small amount of patience that none of us would survive the first week!"
Well it's been 5 months and no one's died yet (seriously, a miracle).
While I am glad to be closer to our family, it feels just like it did when we moved north over five years ago. Except now I am feeling all of the isolation of being in a new place while also trapped in a house with two small children and a feeling of paralyzation/ depression that has been growing since 2016.
I've decided it's time to stop dicking around. Time to make some definitive changes in order to make my life a happier one. I can't rely on everyone else to do that for me and I can't just sit here anymore.
Future areas of inspection:
Writing.
I used to love writing so much. I haven't written a piece of fiction in almost TEN YEARS. I haven't even written an essay or blog post in more than two and a half. It's time to look into some online writing courses and at the very least, use blog posts as some much needed practice.
Getting out in my new community and making a difference.
This one has always been tricky for me. As the years go by, I get more and more socially anxious. Going to new places I have never been to before makes me nervous. Going to new places I have never been to before which are packed with people I don't know also makes me nervous. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I have never had a problem tapping into my acting skills in a work setting in order to appear positive, friendly and confident. But everywhere else? NOPE. At any rate, finding ways to help others is very important to me. I am going to need to try harder to get over those feelings of anxiety in order to go to new places when there are opportunities to volunteer or help others. Period.
Music.
I miss singing. SO much. I haven't seriously performed since 2011. I don't even know if I can even read music anymore. Seriously. This is a source of great shame and distress for me. How can I have forgotten how to do something that I spent the majority of my time doing for most of my life? I was asked to sing a simple hymn along with piano and viola at my youngest's baptism last weekend. It was a song I have sung a million times, we were only doing 3 short verses and I was singing to a very non-judgmental audience. But I lost my spot on the page halfway through the last verse and sang the wrong words because I was trying so hard not to cry. Not because it was a special day for my son, memories blah, blah, blah. Because of that unnamable joy that wells up in a musician when they hear/play/sing. I simply could not handle being drowned by the feeling of AWESOME that is music in that moment. How on earth do I begin to retrain myself? Ain't got the time/$/childcare for lessons. Get out my old music theory books? Who knows. I can at least start by pulling out some sheet music and singing to my baby. He won't know I'm singing all of the wrong rhythms!
Health.
I will write an essay some day about dealing with bullshit health stuff as a young person. Long story short, I told myself when I had my first kid that I would not cave to societal pressures to attain my "pre-baby body" and wouldn't even think about working out etc. until my kid turned one. Well, he turned one, we stopped breastfeeding and my body fell to pieces all within a two week timespan. I then spent more than six months trying to diagnose the issues and find a treatment that wouldn't leave me constant pain. After having my second kid, I have decided that it is VERY important for me to establish healthy habits BEFORE we stop breastfeeding. If I don't, who knows how much time and money I will sacrifice trying to find a new normal. I don't have the time (or patience) to do that again. So I've started small but need to continue to find ways to exercise and eat well. I also need a new rheumatologist.
That's the gist of where I am. I can't even begin to tell the entire story of where I've been.
2018 has been a year where I am constantly running into "Remember when I used to..." thoughts.
Remember when I used to... sing and play music regularly?
Remember when I used to... work outside the home and felt some sort of validation of my education and intellect?
Remember when I used to... write and read and take joy in those activities?
Since we moved from Wisconsin back to Illinois in December, I have been a Stay at Home Mom. If you had told me, even after I had my first kid, that I would be staying at home with my children I probably would have laughed.
"Are you kidding?!" I would squeal. "There is NO way I could do that! I have such a small amount of patience that none of us would survive the first week!"
Well it's been 5 months and no one's died yet (seriously, a miracle).
While I am glad to be closer to our family, it feels just like it did when we moved north over five years ago. Except now I am feeling all of the isolation of being in a new place while also trapped in a house with two small children and a feeling of paralyzation/ depression that has been growing since 2016.
I've decided it's time to stop dicking around. Time to make some definitive changes in order to make my life a happier one. I can't rely on everyone else to do that for me and I can't just sit here anymore.
Future areas of inspection:
Writing.
I used to love writing so much. I haven't written a piece of fiction in almost TEN YEARS. I haven't even written an essay or blog post in more than two and a half. It's time to look into some online writing courses and at the very least, use blog posts as some much needed practice.
Getting out in my new community and making a difference.
This one has always been tricky for me. As the years go by, I get more and more socially anxious. Going to new places I have never been to before makes me nervous. Going to new places I have never been to before which are packed with people I don't know also makes me nervous. For some reason unbeknownst to me, I have never had a problem tapping into my acting skills in a work setting in order to appear positive, friendly and confident. But everywhere else? NOPE. At any rate, finding ways to help others is very important to me. I am going to need to try harder to get over those feelings of anxiety in order to go to new places when there are opportunities to volunteer or help others. Period.
Music.
I miss singing. SO much. I haven't seriously performed since 2011. I don't even know if I can even read music anymore. Seriously. This is a source of great shame and distress for me. How can I have forgotten how to do something that I spent the majority of my time doing for most of my life? I was asked to sing a simple hymn along with piano and viola at my youngest's baptism last weekend. It was a song I have sung a million times, we were only doing 3 short verses and I was singing to a very non-judgmental audience. But I lost my spot on the page halfway through the last verse and sang the wrong words because I was trying so hard not to cry. Not because it was a special day for my son, memories blah, blah, blah. Because of that unnamable joy that wells up in a musician when they hear/play/sing. I simply could not handle being drowned by the feeling of AWESOME that is music in that moment. How on earth do I begin to retrain myself? Ain't got the time/$/childcare for lessons. Get out my old music theory books? Who knows. I can at least start by pulling out some sheet music and singing to my baby. He won't know I'm singing all of the wrong rhythms!
Health.
I will write an essay some day about dealing with bullshit health stuff as a young person. Long story short, I told myself when I had my first kid that I would not cave to societal pressures to attain my "pre-baby body" and wouldn't even think about working out etc. until my kid turned one. Well, he turned one, we stopped breastfeeding and my body fell to pieces all within a two week timespan. I then spent more than six months trying to diagnose the issues and find a treatment that wouldn't leave me constant pain. After having my second kid, I have decided that it is VERY important for me to establish healthy habits BEFORE we stop breastfeeding. If I don't, who knows how much time and money I will sacrifice trying to find a new normal. I don't have the time (or patience) to do that again. So I've started small but need to continue to find ways to exercise and eat well. I also need a new rheumatologist.
That's the gist of where I am. I can't even begin to tell the entire story of where I've been.
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