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Friday, July 5, 2013

Fifty Shades of Knockoffs

A friend suggested that I do a "These Books Actually Exist" book post all about the Fifty Shades of Grey read alikes that are out there.  There are so many of them that they (and the marketing geniuses who jumped on the bandwagon behind their publication) deserve their very own post.  Well, sort of.

Much like my "These Books Actually Exist" posts, I will admit up front that I have not read the entirety of Fifty Shades.  I haven't even read two full chapters.  And I have no intention of doing so for soooooooo many reasons.  To those who are all "OMG!  Fifty Shades was totally awesome and hawt!  I've never read anything like that before!"  Dude. First of all, the books were written as Twilight fan fiction.  Meaning, a Twilight fan wrote a book about what would happen if Bella and Edward got super freaky.  Yeah.  Not reading that.  Second,  go to the paperback romance section at your local library or independently owned book store.  Hell, go to a drug store for all I care.  See those books?  Ninety percent of them contain the same amount of "racy" material.  They may have ugly covers with a lot of lords and ladies in various states of undress, but sex is sex.  True, not all erotic romance books deal with BDSM.  But there are many books out there that cover the experience in a much more engaging and realistic manner.  I'll take my "trashy" books ala Anita Blake and her orgy of vampires/wereanimals, thank you very much.

Since E.L. James's self publish books exploded onto the literary book scene, there has been a veritable plethora of books clambering to be "The next 50 Shades."  Publishers seem to think that if you take a crappy romance book and stick a cover on it that has a close-up of a flower or a piece of jewelry or whatever that people will automatically buy said book and devour anything else that author writes.  And there are a ton to choose from!

Nonfiction publishers are now jumping into the fray with 50 Shades themed cookbooks.  Yes.  Cookbooks.  And of course there are 50 Shades board games, sex toys, t-shirts etc.  Some are meant to be funny.  Some are well... you'll see.

So here is a list of the many books and other items that publishers are trying to market as the next Fifty Shades of Grey.

The actual romance novels:

Maya Banks has been writing erotica for years.  And her books are very popular.  And they will only become more so what with the 50 Shades of Grey movies about to be made!  Bank's Sweet series is supposed to be really good and have a lot of variety for all of you romance readers.

All of Sylvia Day's book are looking like 50 Shades knockoffs these days.  The Crossfire trilogy is really being pushed at 50 Shades readers.  Can I just say how classy those fake pearl clip-on earrings are?  Gold star, cover art person!

The Wild Riders series by Jaci Burton has a federal agent twist to things.  Because sometimes you like your sex to be uh, official.

From that cover, to this:

Looks like someone is redoing the marketing for Shayla Black's series about the hostess of a cable sex talk show...

Here's another comparison of how publishers are making the switch to 50 Shades-ish covers.  Megan Hart is another popular erotica author whose books are getting a face lift.

50 Shades of cookbooks, anyone?

That's right, ya'll!  It's 50 Shades of Chicken.  I particularly like that the author is "FL Fowler."  Oh, and here is a link to the book trailer for this guy if you are curious...

Because nothing is sexier than Kale.  Yeah.  Sweet, sweet Kale.  Note: this is the new edition.  The old one looked like this:

And then we have 50 Shades of Quinoa (available exclusively as a Kindle edition).  It's a best seller, guys!

Bacon, ya'll.  Delicious, greasy bacon! Points for making a necktie out of your main ingredient to use as the cover art.

Ok.  You get it.  There are lots more out there.  Really.

Play on the title 50 Shades of...

Correct.  This books contains stories about an African Grey parrot named Pickles.  This is his fourth book.  From Pickles the Parrot's website:
 "Everyday life with an African Grey Parrot seen through the humorous and often twisted mind of his owner, Georgi.  Her interesting perspectives on animal intellect and unique insights into nature take the reader on a thought provoking, entertaining and often hilarious ride.  The star of the book, Pickles, takes his adventures in stride with wit and charm."  

That's right, folks!  It's zombie porn.  Because nothing gets my motor humming like leaking body fluids and decaying flesh.

Heh. Heh. Heh.  Ok.  That's kind of funny.

Sure.  Why not?

God I hope that one is a joke...

Other weird crap that people are slapping 50 Shades on:

Because when you think of "Mommy Porn," you think of crappy house music.  Yeah, yeah.  Dub step isn't house music.  I know.

Look at all of the fun you could be having with the official 50 Shades of Grey sex toy collection.  Gee wiz!

And then this happened...

Yep.  It's already been turned into a parody musical.

So there you have it, folks.  All of the things you never wanted to know that people were using to make money.  All in one nice little (Ok.  Giant) post.  


  1. Well, you may have just missed the point of this article entirely or you simply didn't read it. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and go with the latter.

  2. I can't wait for the movie. I loved the books. I should agree these are the best written books.
    50 Shades Of Grey Movie